World Cup High Comedy Edition

The bidding process for the World Cup, much like the process for the Olympics, feels like a scandal-in-waiting. But the details of the back-scratching and other funny business isn't as interesting at the moment as the fact that now, Russia and Qatar are going to have to actually go through with this.

My first thought on Russia's successful bid is amazement at the scale of the job ahead. There is presently only one top-grade football stadium in the country -- and that is Lokomotiv Stadium, which is in a hard-to-reach corner of Moscow and only seats 28,800. Nearly every other stadium is an awful Soviet-era pile built to host track and field competitions, with concrete bowl seating and distant sight lines. The nation's premiere stadium, Luzhniki, has hosted many big football events, and always with a lot of bitching by everyone involved before and afterwords.

So, if I were a politically well-connected building contractor today, I would have passed out at the news. A lot of things are going to be built in the next eight years, and there is little cause for hope that Russia can do it without massive amounts of fraud, waste, and corruption. And it remains to be seen whether or not Russia can actually pull off an event this size. The Sochi Olympics in 2012 may well turn into a disaster, and if I were FIFA, I'd have at least waited to see just how bad the damage is before placing this bet. But who knows why the judges judged as they did...

And furthermore, it is my long-standing belief that Russia has no business hosting any serious international event until it completely overhauls its Soviet-era visa requirements. The present hybrid system of police-state bullying and organized shakedowns is unfit for a country with such high aspirations. Plus, you know what else would be nice? hotel rooms. Not Ritz-Carltons and absurd high-end ones, but normal, affordable hotel rooms where you can be reasonable sure you won't get robbed.

As for the 2022 Qatar Olympics, I can only stifle a laugh. I'm waiting to know if someone will open a book with odds that this will mark the first World Cup in which a player actually drops dead on the pitch during a match. Again, who knows why the judges judged etc etc etc.