Euro 2012 kicks off this evening in Warsaw, and I've spent weeks trying to plan my schedule to maximize how much of it I can watch. This is my favorite football tournament — probably one of my favorite things in sports period. It is small (16 teams), quick, easy to figure out. Every match matters, and there is plenty of room for surprises.
Here are a few quick thoughts, with the usual caveats about my track record on predictions....
Group A
Poland — Lewandowski! Lewandowski! Lewandowski! The Polish striker will have a breakout tournament, and fueled by home crowds, they get through the group.
Greece — Are they only here to make easy Euro 2012-Eurocrisis jokes? As usual, their matches will be unwatchable, and it will be awesome when they disappear.
Russia — Expect the flyin' Dmitry Karamazovs to turn in another astonishing performance. Arshavin will make you wonder where he has been the past four years, and his burgeoning career as fashion designer and United Russia hack will be pushed back another few years. Igor Akinfeev's asking price on the transfer market will jump dramatically.
Czech Republic — Peter Cech may start thinking about retirement after this.
Group B
Netherlands — You know, I'm sick of these guys. Yea, Cruyff, "Total Football," all that poetry and history! Time to move on. This is the team that crapped itself against Russia in '08, became a national embarrassment in '10, and Arjen Robben's sucking in the Champion's League Final still... sucks. They'll get through, sure, but I don't care.
Denmark — Yea, they're there. Didn't they used to have a captain who was in a motorcycle gang?
Germany — Will quietly dominate everyone they meet. Certain to make the finals.
Portugal — Nice thing about football is that world-class players like Ronaldo occasionally have to play on national teams that are only marginal contenders. He won't get them through the group stage.
Group C
Spain — The favorites! the greatest generation! winners of the last two major tourneys! Can they repeat? Nah. Watching the tail end of the La Liga season showed most of these guys have nothing in the tank anymore. Also, Fernando Torres is still soft and washed-up (that goal against Barcelona, once and for all for god's sake, only happened because he got lucky when caught way out of position).
Here are a few quick thoughts, with the usual caveats about my track record on predictions....
Group A
Poland — Lewandowski! Lewandowski! Lewandowski! The Polish striker will have a breakout tournament, and fueled by home crowds, they get through the group.
Greece — Are they only here to make easy Euro 2012-Eurocrisis jokes? As usual, their matches will be unwatchable, and it will be awesome when they disappear.
Russia — Expect the flyin' Dmitry Karamazovs to turn in another astonishing performance. Arshavin will make you wonder where he has been the past four years, and his burgeoning career as fashion designer and United Russia hack will be pushed back another few years. Igor Akinfeev's asking price on the transfer market will jump dramatically.
Czech Republic — Peter Cech may start thinking about retirement after this.
Group B
Netherlands — You know, I'm sick of these guys. Yea, Cruyff, "Total Football," all that poetry and history! Time to move on. This is the team that crapped itself against Russia in '08, became a national embarrassment in '10, and Arjen Robben's sucking in the Champion's League Final still... sucks. They'll get through, sure, but I don't care.
Denmark — Yea, they're there. Didn't they used to have a captain who was in a motorcycle gang?
Germany — Will quietly dominate everyone they meet. Certain to make the finals.
Portugal — Nice thing about football is that world-class players like Ronaldo occasionally have to play on national teams that are only marginal contenders. He won't get them through the group stage.
Group C
Spain — The favorites! the greatest generation! winners of the last two major tourneys! Can they repeat? Nah. Watching the tail end of the La Liga season showed most of these guys have nothing in the tank anymore. Also, Fernando Torres is still soft and washed-up (that goal against Barcelona, once and for all for god's sake, only happened because he got lucky when caught way out of position).
Italy — Hmm, match-fixing allegations, a lack of identity, police raids at the training camp.... watch out world, Italy is on! The drama queens of soccer only play well with operatic levels of melodrama. They're my pick to win it all at this point.
Ireland — I saw them play on Monday! Wasn't overwhelmed. If they don't take care of Croatia on Sunday, which would entail doing stuff like attacking and trying to score goals instead of clutching on for dear life, they're doomed.
Croatia — The plucky Croats have always been a personal favorite of mine. But too many injuries this time. They'll go out, meekly.
Group D
Ukraine — Ugh, these guys. The faster that washed-up Yanukovich supporter Andriy Shevchenko can finish this up and announce which MLS team is buying him the better.
Sweden — Another team I resent for their poor performance containing Russia in '08 (were they intimidated by the giant Peter the Great banner the Russian supporters rolled out?) Also, Ibrahimovic... nice fellow.
France — Thank Domenech's still somehow working lucky stars to get stuck in this group. Does anyone really have to come out of this one?
England — In the day, I used to pull for England. Really, I read British papers online and they were the easiest major team to follow. But watching the "greatest generation" fizzle on the field, the WAG drama play out off it, and seeing John Terry sad and angry was just too entertaining. This year, with the idiocy of the Rio Ferdinand drama, it will particularly fun to watch them stumble. It's just too bad everyone expects it this time around.
Group D
Ukraine — Ugh, these guys. The faster that washed-up Yanukovich supporter Andriy Shevchenko can finish this up and announce which MLS team is buying him the better.
Sweden — Another team I resent for their poor performance containing Russia in '08 (were they intimidated by the giant Peter the Great banner the Russian supporters rolled out?) Also, Ibrahimovic... nice fellow.
France — Thank Domenech's still somehow working lucky stars to get stuck in this group. Does anyone really have to come out of this one?
England — In the day, I used to pull for England. Really, I read British papers online and they were the easiest major team to follow. But watching the "greatest generation" fizzle on the field, the WAG drama play out off it, and seeing John Terry sad and angry was just too entertaining. This year, with the idiocy of the Rio Ferdinand drama, it will particularly fun to watch them stumble. It's just too bad everyone expects it this time around.
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